apple gummy tea and pretzeldog indulgence
unsnackable vol. 75
This is how it feels to be a beautiful angel with a pure heart forced to suffer the dark whims of brands
My algorithms and I have finally recovered from April Fool's, but at what cost? Must my jubilant curiosity in the face of novelty come at the expense of my soul? Must my love for you, my readers, be jeopardized by capitalism's disdain for us all?
My saving grace amidst the trials and tribulations of snack-related deception and the other indignities of being alive in 2025 was a whole week of an identical breakfast every morning. An Earl Grey snacking cake made with, and topped with greek yogurt, alongside passion fruit and rose. Decorated in the style of the egg omitted from the cake.
I might be an April Fool, but at least I've discovered some new treats for you. Dig into a new batch of unsnackables.
the unsnackables
sweet
I'm thankful that Apple Pie will endure much longer than the wretched nation it is supposed to symbolize. I am slightly less grateful that I keep following bakeries, cafes, and bars with the suffix .bkk with the false impression that they are in Brooklyn and not Bangkok. Souri, the hyper-stylized .bkk bakery that inspired this snack, also released a super-sized macaron filled with apple pie compote and coated in apple pie-flavored crumbs that has cured my indifference towards the pastry.
savory
As would be expected from a millennial raised in the state that invented the indoor mall and momentarily perfected it, I have an emotional attachment to the retail experiences of my adolescence. I yearn for something as languidly tactile as a Saturday afternoon at the mall, weighing the merits of a new lipgloss over a snack. I was powerless against a new shade of Lancome Juicy Tubes but Auntie Anne's still came in clutch because the pretzel sticks were cheap enough to share with a friend. If this Buldak Ramen Cheese Dog had been available, my priorities would have been reversed and sharing would be the furthest thing from my mind.
thirsty
One of the great joys of my adult life has been slowly building a palate for tea, and learning to appreciate the meditative experience of slowly sipping a lovingly brewed cup. But I don't think this is a tea for sipping, this is a tea for crushing in icy gulps on a day when it is too hot to think or do anything other than listen to music out of a tinny portable speaker and photosynthesize. I'm lowkey tempted to add "black tea sweetened with a melted apple ring simple syrup" into my summer beverage rotation.
boozy
Initially, the French Panaché cocktail was just an equal parts shandy made with a citrus soda, light beer, and bit of Liz Lemon energy. Now it can be found bottled in both low and no-ABV versions. This Rwandan version intrigues me because the full-bodied flavor of malted sodas always reminds me of the bottles of Malta India that I grew up on. I've never tried a drink that marries that sensation with the freshness of citrus.
I’m still figuring this out, but hopefully, you enjoyed v.75 of unsnackable.
If you didn’t please don’t tell me, tell your friends to subscribe because they hopefully have better taste than you.
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Keepin' it tasty in tough times. You're young. I hope the pendulum of liberty and goodness one day swing toward humanity... I love all your columns. Rare and delicious.
Billie from Santa Fe NM and San Francisco...
Why do I not know about Malta India?!