doughboy alchemy and ideal wafer ratios
unsnackable vol. 28
I'm being haunted by the Pillsbury Doughboy. Hunted by the Pillsbury Doughboy? I have felt his presence looming in my subconscious since I saw this german doughboy plushie. The pizza box covers his tiny, disproportionate body and his beaded eyes look menacingly unsure instead of cute.
But that pales in comparison to this Canadian Easter cookie package, where he sports a tiny bunny nose and whiskers, a jolly holiday costume obscuring only his nose. But something about placing the nose and whiskers that twists his face into a silent scream.
I can't stop thinking about it. How did he become the doughboy? Is he a golem wearing a chic jumpsuit because he is embarrassed by his physical form? Is he a reckless alchemist with a soul bound to the doughboy because he challenged the sanctity of life and death?
I don't know. This has been a jumbled week. My brain doesn't have much room for answers. The violence of this week, fueled by the long shadow of whiteness and misogyny and whorephobia was heartbreaking. The flatness of solidarity can disorient but the details matter.
I always lean towards donating to individual support asks, Venmos, and Gofundmes in times like these but I also donated to Red Canary Song. I hope you can materially support our AAPI siblings, even if it isn't financial, like by signing up for Hollaback's bystander intervention training.
There is no transition or appeal to levity that I can insert here doesn't feel empty but uh....here's another batch of unsnackables
WAFLE GÓRALKI KOKOSOWE (Poland)
I did not eat the outside of several foods for years because they had inappropriate ingredient ratios. I'd use lunchroom silverware to perform crude surgery to detach the toppings and soft, white middle of pizza slices from their cornmeal-dusted bottoms. I'd punch out the center of Reese's Cups because the chocolate ring on the outside distracted from the peanut butter. This polish candy bar is like a coconut kit kat with 3/4 of the chocolate coating, allowing the wafers and filling the attention they deserve (no surgery required).
無骨炸雞新選擇 (Hong Kong)
Modern fast food product development is the heir apparent to the fusion food movement of decades past. You can see those same culinary impulses in this snack of boneless chicken bites topped like okonomiyaki.
COCA-COCA GETRÄNKESIRUP (Germany)
I've spent decades wanting to buy wholesale soda fountain syrup, thwarted by logistics and costs and being a literal child. Even now, when there are Reddit threads to support the zealots willing to gamble and buy enough ( non-shelf-stable) coca-cola syrup to make hundreds of glasses of soda, I cannot commit. I feel nothing but pure jealousy when I see these Fanta, Sprite, and Mezzo Mix syrups because that is my destiny, not theirs.
SMEETS WAFEL GENEVER( Belgium)
I am a woman of the people, steadfast in my beliefs and the knowledge that I am not above a waffle-flavored liqueur. I just have the discerning tastes to crave a liqueur crafted with the deft touch of a nation known for their waffles.
a note on the future of unsnackable
It has become increasingly clear that substack has abdicated any illusion of responsibility for giving a platform, and in many cases paying people who spew hate speech to publish newsletters. There are changes in the future of unsnackable, but the exact details of what that will entail aren't clear at the moment.
This newsletter only makes it to your inbox because I fall into a fugue state on Sunday evening and somehow pull it together. But the mental capacity to figure out the costs and logistics of moving 12.5k subscribers to another platform? I'm trying to scrape that together. I'll continue to publish here in the meantime.
I’m still figuring this out, but hopefully, you enjoyed v.28 of unsnackable.
If you didn’t please don’t tell me, tell your friends to subscribe because they hopefully have better taste than you.
Think you’ll miss me before unsnackable v.29 comes to your inbox? follow me on other parts of the internet and tell me about what you’re snacking on or tell me what type of soda you’d fill a swimming pool with if you had the opportunity to do so.
I’ll try any snack at least once, so don’t be shy if there is something you want to send me to try.