raw dogging cordial and liminal imports
unsnackable vol. 51
I'm happy that there's no American equivalent to cordial. Or to squash. Or to sherbet. It would have robbed me of my first taste of the American Dream. I don't mean pulling myself up by my bootstraps. More so, attempting to monetize something novel merely because I could and had no overhead costs.
I was in middle school during the golden era of Kool-Aid, and even with a frontal lobe that hadn't fully formed, I knew it wasn't that immoral to slip a few extra packets of the 6/$1 unsweetened kool-aid into the family grocery cart. With the deft touch of a tween who stayed up until midnight to watch Iron Chef reruns but at an age that spared me the horrors of the craft cocktail revolution, I mixed and matched flavors and sold them by the bottle. The bitterness of the Kool-Aid Invisible in Raspberry was a perfect counterpoint to Sharkleberry Fin. The food science wizardry of Ice Cool in Lemon added a menthol bite to Kool-Aid Fruit T's in Wildberry Tea. It was a short-lived affair and the end, I only made enough to fund a trip or two to the food court of the mall where we loitered on the weekends.
I'm still devoted to kool-aid to this day (there are some in my pantry for jello shot emergencies), and I know I would be a different person if I had access to bottles of Ribena and Robinson's instead. At least I know enough to be utterly charmed by this perfect reply to a seemingly innocuous TikTok that has made its way around beans n' toast twitter "Did she just raw dog cordial???"
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If you didn't catch it, the Ribena that she tries is a concentrated syrup meant to be diluted because the Ready To Drink bottle in the video she stitched isn't readily available here in the states. I don't know if I can call it a simple mistake because it is a clearly labeled package in English.
Frankly, the bigger mistake is this austerity era Ribena as a whole. I need them to bring back the full-sugar version. So I can water it down more.
The world of snacks is dangerous and confusing, but that is why I'm here to take your hand and guide you through another batch of unsnackables
the unsnackables
sweet
ZOTT LIEBLINGSTRIO BRATAPFEL (Germany)
'Tis the season, the crunchy leaf to fleeting joy pipeline is firmly in place. I could not be happier. This snack, which looks like an ice cream sandwich but is more of a refrigerated milk custard treat with two soft cakes and spiced apple + milk + vanilla cream, is a manifestation of every last autumnal vibe. It's the type of snack that makes you pull out foliage calendars because Leaf Peeping becomes a goal instead of a nonsense phrase deserving of mockery. It's a refrigerated snack that somehow warms your heart. It's a snack that says "yes, you do need another pair of suede block heeled knee-high boots to pair with an ivory cable-knit sweater ".
savory
GRAHNS HOT PEPPER HOCKEYPULVER (Sweden)
If there is a Swedish equivalent of the now common adage inspired by clickbait farms like Insider Food sharing 10-pound bacon-wrapped pizza monstrosities (Americans eat like they have universal healthcare) it would be seeing this salty-spicy licorice powder that is categorized as candy in Sweden and thinking "this would only be considered candy in a country with a strong social safety net". If you look closely, both statements are equal parts amusing and oversimplified summaries of complex systems that are essentially broken and exclusionary for the same reasons that the joke lands. But for the sake of this blurb, I will say... I considered ordering this and sprinkling it on top of sweet cream ice cream.
thirsty
URGE (Norway)
This drink is like a liminal space- my mind has trouble acknowledging that it is real. It is even harder acknowledging Surge is an import that was launched in the United States a year later. I've spent nearly two decades stanning a knockoff. How mortifying?
boozy
BLACKCURRANT GHOST (U.K.)
When they aren't setting up American zoomers to be roasted internationally, a few blackcurrants leftover from the same harvests that power each bottle of Ribena head to this distillery and become a spirit. A spirit haunted by blackcurrants? It sounds spooky. I would happily chug a bit too much and let it lustfully guide my hands over a mound of clay while Whoopi Goldberg watches? It wasn't until this very moment that I realized that I don't actually know what happens in that movie?
I’m still figuring this out, but hopefully, you enjoyed v.51 of unsnackable.
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